“I need independence!” ★ Journal Entry

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This post will probably turn into a huge rant so I want to apologize beforehand for any horrible grammar (my grammar is always horrible anyways) and anyone who gets annoyed at me for complaining. 

Being the only girl and the oldest of my siblings I’ve always felt the need to surpass expectations and do things on my own since I couldn’t really rely on them to help me. Because of that, I’ve always been one to seek independence and freedom.  I knew that I would be able to do things on my own because of the responsibilities I had from my family and the outside. Once I turned eighteen I was ready to go to college and live in the dorm rooms but because of some paperwork problems I had I wasn’t able to get the financial aid I needed in order to attend. Instead, I ended up taking a year off from college to just work and save money to go to my community college. To be honest, I was really depressed that I had to skip a year. I think the disappointing thing about it was the opportunity I missed of finally being able to be on my own and also the fact that I wouldn’t be able to graduate in the same class as my high school peers. 

Fast forward to now and I’m in the middle of my junior year and still living in my parents house. I mean there’s nothing wrong with living with your parents. That’s probably the most logical choice that a college student can take since rent in the city is extremely high. If I wanted to move out of my parents house I would probably have to be working two jobs every day unless I moved out of the city where rent is cheaper. I mean that doesn’t sound too bad right? I would be working a ton but at the end I would be coming home to my own place with no one to bother me. Sadly it’s not as easy for me as I wished it was.

Something that really makes me mad and a little sad is the lack of support I have from my parents to be independent. They don’t want me to move out because I am a big support system to them. I help my dad with his work, I am the interpreter, the chauffeur, the tutor, the cleaner, etc. I do so much for my parents and siblings just like they do for me. They also don’t think I can be able to maintain myself afloat if I’m on my own. I understand their fears but I feel like this would be a good thing for me. Yeah I might make some mistakes and I might struggle but those would be MY struggles to learn from. That’s what life is all about right? Falling but getting back up. I WANT to have those struggles because I know they will make me stronger in the long run. 

I’ve told my parents about this and they just laugh. They say I’m crazy for wanting to move out and want to suffer when I could just stay with them. They have it in their heads that I will never move out until I finally get married and my husband takes me away. My parents are old school. This is how it was for them back in their time but its not like that anymore. I have tried to convince them to see my point of view but they refuse. They’re wrong and I’m right. They’re right because of their vast wisdom and experiences in life. I am wrong because I am too young and naive.

I NEED MY INDEPENDENCE! I really do. I always go to the store and see so many cute home things and I wish I could buy them but I can’t since I don’t have a place of my own to decorate. I also just really need my space. We are constantly having visitors at our house and I can never fully concentrate on my work because there’s just too many distractions. I am always stuck in my room. It serves as my office, my dinning room, and my bedroom. My room is also the smallest of all the bedrooms and my queen size bed basically takes the whole space. I have no room to work and just can’t concentrate in there. 

I only have a couple more years to go in order to graduate from college and university. I hope that by the time I graduate from community college I’ll be able to move out. I have to make my parents understand that it’s the right thing to do for me. I just can’t be with them my whole life. I need to make drastic changes to my life in order to grow and staying home with my parents and my siblings feels like I’m still at that starting line and no where near the finish line. Moving out would give me the independence I so desperately need and that push into life. 

Anyways… that was basically my inner rant about wanting to move out and finally being independent. Hope you guys weren’t annoyed lol. 

❀ мαуяα ❀

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